prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
👾👾👾
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
saving face 👀
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
It’s an epidemic…
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.