[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me: i hoped he was cake
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that