@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

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@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@surrealvehicle

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

@truegritrumble

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

@LovelyFilters

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

@ehchino

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@LittleMissAngr1

I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.

@uhhmmily

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that