PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.


Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.


I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.


interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]


HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille


Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*


I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.


“No more Mr Nice Guy”

~ Mr Nice Guy’s eulogy


once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried