PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put