*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
🤔😂😂
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place