@ThaJawn

(prostate exam)

Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before

Me: OMG! WHAT

*loud click

Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE

Dr:.. And send

Me: WTF?

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@man_spach

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@genehunter1

What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”

@FunkyFresh_79

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME