Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before
Me: OMG! WHAT
Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE
Dr:.. And send
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Me: *closes eyes*
What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me: I love your hair.
Her: Thanks. Can I have it back, please?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME