ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing