Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped