@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

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@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@BadMikeyBad

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

@BryMastas

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

@Bob_Janke

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@rob5373

[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”

@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}