@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.

@Heaterhotusus: *rage dresses *rage stomps down stairs *rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind *rage stomps upstairs *rage undresses

@BigBec43: Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

@turtledumplin: Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?

@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!