Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Put this video in the Louvre
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken