@StupidSophia_ Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”
@TheBoydP Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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@StupidSophia_ 
@UnFitz Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
@SirEviscerate *uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
@Thynebear “What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
@VeryLonelyLuke Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
@OrignalceQueen When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark
15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then
Me: ………
@huntigula can’t believe I got front row seats
@tigersgoroooar Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
@TheWidowmakerX Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
@thatUPSdude I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”
I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.