@Brampersandon_: [bald eagles exchanging gifts] *holds out gift* You didn't get me a toupee again, did you? -Uhh... *slowly pulls gift back*

@stevevsninjas: Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

@MichaelTrying: The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

@Angibangie: I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald's napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They'd be doing me a favor.