Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Banking tips
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job