Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT