Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I wanna be friends with this person
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom