Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The Weeknd is back
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!