Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*