ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them