I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*