ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

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“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.


DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil


Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.


A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.


just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”


With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse


“I’m a vegetarian but I eat fish.”
– People who don’t get how definitions work.


I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.


day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt


ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool