@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

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@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

@girlnarly

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

@daemonic3

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

@remington3000

I’m going to open a restaurant and call it I Don’t Care. So us men can finally take u women to the place u want to go to when we ask

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

@tealbluejay

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@LeBearGirdle

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*