ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.