Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
thanks auntie mary
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes