Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Interior design 👌
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
There’s always that one guy
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots