Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling