Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Mornin
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.