Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.