Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall