Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
You Might Also Like
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.