My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
Me: I hate you