@MillenniumDad

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@IamJackBoot

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

@LizerReal

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

@iMikosnyc

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you