Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.