@wickedsuga

Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.

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@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@ella__fraser

“We need to talk”

*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room

@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough

@FeelingEuphoric

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point