Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.
I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.
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“We need to talk”
*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Autocorrect will be the dress of me
My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.
I had to buy a voodoo doll of myself and rub its back.
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point