Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
You Might Also Like
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them