Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You Might Also Like
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.