@batkaren

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

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@existentialcoms

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

@Chhapiness

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

@frankzulla

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

@zachreinert03

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

@david8hughes

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

@hunbothered

I’d like to go into the witness protection program, only like, without the whole “my life being in danger” thing.

@djdarrellripley

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

@jonnysun

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

@amishschool

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.