“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*orders delivery*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.