“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.