PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it