I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
😂😂
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.