I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high