@EyesOfGreen73

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.

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@david8hughes

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

@UncleDuke1969

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@Kyle_Lippert

Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

@SocialustGal13

I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.

@DaddyJew

I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room

*giggles*

@bombsydoll

WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?

@jwoodham

THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?