Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*During traffic stop
Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”
Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”
C: “Yes, him!”
M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”
C: *Stun guns me*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.