dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My circle of trust is a meatball
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?