PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule