PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I thought this was funny lol
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼