@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

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@Gaby_Moss

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

@Staggfilms

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@FeelingMervis

Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

@TheAndrewNadeau

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.