Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I am, perchance
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’