@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

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@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@SladeWentworth

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

@Underchilde

My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@tastefactory

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@dubstep4dads

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol