I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Every time.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?