PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Beware of the dog..
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
me 2 months after i graduated
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie