The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
this is the best day of my life
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*