“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
When you don’t understand how floors work
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.