@2tickytacky

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

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@_troyjohnson

*loads dryer*

Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!

@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

@smhluckyme

My neighbors are really strange and funny, you should see them.

Here, I’ll let you use my binoculars.

@donofalltrades1

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

@Desert_Musings

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

@feasibleweasel

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.