Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
HERE’S MARKY
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Girl, same.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?