Fitted Sheet: HE’S BURNING US ALIVE! COME, SHIRT! COME, PANTS! HOP IN MY BOSOM AND I WILL FORM A PROTECTIVE BALL OF MOISTURE!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
My neighbors are really strange and funny, you should see them.
Here, I’ll let you use my binoculars.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.