@SirEviscerate

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

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@envydatropic

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

@daemonic3

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

@just1fool

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.