Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

You Might Also Like


Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press


Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?




H: …you look great


Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police


Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?


GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.


When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors


I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair


Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me


i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.