Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.