Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Reasonable prices
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
H: …you look great
Honey, look what I found on our son’s computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I’m calling the police
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors
I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.