Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
We’re all getting idioter.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.