[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You Might Also Like
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
no their not
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science