I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs