Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?

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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain


All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.


Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room


I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*


Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.