“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”
[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
My husband hates it when I ask other men to marry me.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.
Son: you have a gray hair
Me: it’s a badge of honor
Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier
Me: go to your room
I only buy the essentials on Amazon.
*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.