@UncleDuke1969

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

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@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@ramblinma

All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@SaraMansford

No, I’m not “lackadaisical”, I’m lazy, which is the same only 3 whole syllables less.

@DaddyJew

Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

@SethMacFarlane

Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.

@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@dave_cactus

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.