Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
pat pat
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.