Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.